Field Sobriety Test

Many years ago my band played for an insane frat party. This was one of those all timers where everyone was absolutely plastered. There was a 1/4″ of beer on the floor as a result of their having “beer showers.” They would just dump a whole beer on peoples heads.

I was not immune to the beer showers as I played the drums. People would come up and just dump whole beers on my head and my drum kit. It was cool. I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t drink at the time so I had no beers or booze.

After this crazy gig I packed up my stuff and headed for home. About 200 yards away from the frat house I got pulled over by the cops. Apparently the cops were hiding and pulling over drunk drivers as they left the party.

The cop comes up to my window and asks “how many beers have you had tonight?” I naturally say “none.” At this point he thinks I’m full of shit because I just left an insane frat party and I smell like I’ve bathed in beer.

He asks me to get out of the vehicle and informs me that he is going to give me a field sobriety test. The first test is one where you clap your hands, then flip one hand over and clap with the top of your one hand. He shows me and explains very clearly what to do. He says “clap like this, and you don’t have to clap as fast as I do.” I clarify “I don’t have to clap as fast as you?” He confirms yes. He doesn’t know he has just pulled over a sober DRUMMER. I proceed to do his stupid little clap about 1000x as fast as he did, and more accurately I might add.

After watching me do his clap faster than a machine gun he says “have a nice night.”