Category: Boneheads

Stupid musicians, stupid clients, general dumbasses and things people do that drive me nuts.

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Boneheads Gigs Rants

“Tonto” The Drunk Indian

There are times in your life when a small decision makes a huge impact on your future. This may have been one of those times.

I played a gig at a club I’ve played at 100’s of times. The show was over, but I didn’t need to load my gear because we were playing there the next night as well. My car was parked right outside the club on the street. I was walking out the door when I felt a small urge to hit the bathroom. I could have held it until I got home, but I decided to go back into the club and relieve myself first.

When got back out of the bathroom I saw the familiar flashing lights of a cop car outside through the window. I didn’t think much of it as the cops nail people all the time leaving the clubs drunk. When I got outside I saw the nightmare.

The cop was right in front of the club, behind a white 1975 Maverick which had plowed into the back of MY car. My car looked to be about 1/2 a car. This all had to have happened within the last 30-60 seconds. The cop was there so quick I couldn’t believe it. The reason he was there so fast is that he was taking a break to eat a taco, parked in the Taco Time parking lot next door. He watched the driver plow into my car while eating his taco.

The driver was still in the Maverick and the cop was trying to get him out. The driver was too drunk to even stand up. The cop said “come on Tonto let’s go.” The drunk driver was “Tonto” from the indian reservation. I talked to the cop and we did all the usual police report stuff and then the officer gave Tonto the drunk test (which he of course failed).

Tonto was not only driving a very heavy vehicle, he had no driver’s license. Apparently you don’t need a license on the reservation. Tonto’s car had no auto registration or license plate. Apparently you don’t need license plates on the reservation. Tonto also had NO auto insurance. Apparently you don’t need auto insurance on the reservation. Tonto had just bought the car. Apparently you can buy a car on the reservation with no driver’s license or auto insurance. Tonto had been drinking way too much firewater. Apparently you don’t need a brain on the reservation.

In looking back on this crappy event I originally thought of it as bad luck. Hell my car was trashed. But upon more reflection I’m thinking of it as extremely lucky. Had I not decided to relieve myself I likely would have been killed when Tonto crushed me between his 75 Maverick and my car.

So I look at this as one of those small decisions that greatly impacts your future, or the opportunity to have a future for that matter.

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Boneheads Gigs Musicians

Pathetic coke whore

Sometimes I do studio work and quite often live gigs drumming for bands who either don’t have a drummer or whose drummer can’t make the gig for some reason.

One night I was doing a drum sub gig for a band that played what I’d call cool 70’s music. There’s cool 70’s and not cool 70’s. The guitar player had a “girlfriend” who was quite beautiful. In fact I honestly thought she was on another level than him. I couldn’t quite figure out why she was with this guy even though he seemed cool.

I later figured out later that she was with him because he was her sugar daddy. Turns out he was quite the coke dealer/user. This explained a few of his “mannerisms” that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

I guess (I wouldn’t know) when you have your own personal coke whore that you supply coke to, you have to ration it out. During the gig she kept coming up to the stage and talking in his ear while we were playing. He kept giving her the brush off.

This stage was fairly high and small. The level of the stage was about 5 feet off the ground in this club. After being rejected, the coke whore left the dance floor and sneakingly crawled up the stage stairway. I watched her the whole time but the guitar player couldn’t see her. Keep in mind that at this point I still don’t know she is a coke whore and that he is a coke dealer. She watched him intensely and when he was playing a lead or doing some vocals she’d crawl ever closer to him on the stage. She crawled on hands and knees right behind my kit. I looked down at her and she looked up at me with a “sssshhh” look in her eyes. She finally found a spot behind the backline of the gear. She got right behind the guitar players amp stack completely out of view of the guitar player and the audience, but in my plain view.

She started digging in the back of his open back guitar amp. After throwning a few pairs of extra strings and a tuner on the floor she found what she was looking for….the coke. She opened up the baggie, put it in her hand and snorted the shit out of it. She emptied some more and did it again. Then she just kicked back and leaned against the amp and started to get “that look” on her face. She was high as a kite and pathetic as hell.

I wonder how many bucks worth she snorted there because later the guitar player was very pissed at her. Having already gotten her goods I wonder if the guitar player got his after the gig…

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Boneheads Musicians Recording

Don’t keep your studio masters with your dope

Recording rappers is always an entertaining experience. Rappers all love to brag about how badass they are. They love to tell you about how much bank they’re stackin’, how many ho’s they’re bustin’ nuts in, and how many coppas asses they busted caps in. (Soon my white man’s rap dictionary will be out so you can understand what I just wrote).

It’s funny when two different rappers show up at the studio at the same time too because they’re very competitive. One will say “where you from man” and the other will say “Compton.” The first one will say “Word mofo, I be from Compton too.” (I know damn well the one dude is from Midvale and the other one from Salt Lake…pretty damn far from Compton).

This one rapper (whose name was a derivative of the chemicals found in pot) was quite entertaining. He would always bring in his “posse” and they were all funny. It is a little scary though because you have to keep your eye on all of them. All small expensive pieces of gear must be locked up before the session. I don’t know why but all the rappers really seemed to like me. I’m pretty damn white so I don’t know what the see in me.

When you work with rappers in the studio you have to allow a bunch of breaks for them to go out and get some “inspiration.” I just tell them to keep it outside. Hell, if someone wants to pay me $60/hour to smoke dope outside what do I care?

So I finish the pot chemical rapper’s album and give him his bill. It isn’t cheap. He makes a call or two and jumps in his ride. 15 minutes later he comes back with cash. That is one great thing about working with rappers: they always pay in cash.

So I gave him his masters and he was on his way happily listening to his new album in his “boom boom car.” (I call those rap cars boom boom cars).

A couple of weeks later I called him up to see when the album was going to be released. As it turns out he and his posse got pulled over by the coppas. The coppas smelled something funny and had to search the boom boom car. Unfortunately they had to impound the vehicle and it’s contents which included the dope and the masters for the new album. Fortunately they paid me already or I wouldn’t have gotten my dough!

So the moral to the story is: “Don’t keep your studio masters with your dope.”

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Boneheads Musicians Rants

Orange Bowl Halftime Farce: Ashlee Simpson is TERRIBLE!

What a joke the Orange Bowl halftime show is. I’m so sick of musicians faking their parts. The Kelly Clarkson (or however you spell it) band was a joke. I just saw the drummer do a big drum fill and the music track was playing the HH. The drums on the recording were an obvious drum machine but they were an acoustic kit live. Trace Atkins’ drummer was playing behind the track missing fills all over.

Oh man, Ashlee Simpson is TERRIBLE! TERRIBLE! She’s out of tune! She can’t even sing in time with her original recorded karaoke guide vocal! Forget the fact that she’s about 10% as attractive as her sister.

WAIT WAIT…HOLY COW, WHEN ASHLEE FINISHED THE AUDIENCE BOO’D HER!!! WHAT A SMART AUDIENCE! YEAH!!!

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Boneheads Gigs Rants

Stolen SUB

Here’s a little salute to the asshole who broke into my bass player’s suv:

After a gig we hauled our gear into our respective vehicles and the bass player had the PA system in his suv. He had a bunch of stuff in his garage so he had to park outside overnight. When he went out to his truck in the morning he found a broken rear window and one of our JBL 18″ subs was missing. That part sucks.

Now for the “justice” part of the story:

At this particular gig we had some kind of problem with the PA. There was a bad cable or something which caused us to blow one of our 18″ JBL subs.

So the asshole crook has a 50/50 chance of getting a good 18″ sub for the pawn shop so he can go buy some crack. Well buddy, no crack for you. You stole the blown one you loser…