Boneheads Gigs Rants

“Tonto” The Drunk Indian

There are times in your life when a small decision makes a huge impact on your future. This may have been one of those times.

I played a gig at a club I’ve played at 100’s of times. The show was over, but I didn’t need to load my gear because we were playing there the next night as well. My car was parked right outside the club on the street. I was walking out the door when I felt a small urge to hit the bathroom. I could have held it until I got home, but I decided to go back into the club and relieve myself first.

When got back out of the bathroom I saw the familiar flashing lights of a cop car outside through the window. I didn’t think much of it as the cops nail people all the time leaving the clubs drunk. When I got outside I saw the nightmare.

The cop was right in front of the club, behind a white 1975 Maverick which had plowed into the back of MY car. My car looked to be about 1/2 a car. This all had to have happened within the last 30-60 seconds. The cop was there so quick I couldn’t believe it. The reason he was there so fast is that he was taking a break to eat a taco, parked in the Taco Time parking lot next door. He watched the driver plow into my car while eating his taco.

The driver was still in the Maverick and the cop was trying to get him out. The driver was too drunk to even stand up. The cop said “come on Tonto let’s go.” The drunk driver was “Tonto” from the indian reservation. I talked to the cop and we did all the usual police report stuff and then the officer gave Tonto the drunk test (which he of course failed).

Tonto was not only driving a very heavy vehicle, he had no driver’s license. Apparently you don’t need a license on the reservation. Tonto’s car had no auto registration or license plate. Apparently you don’t need license plates on the reservation. Tonto also had NO auto insurance. Apparently you don’t need auto insurance on the reservation. Tonto had just bought the car. Apparently you can buy a car on the reservation with no driver’s license or auto insurance. Tonto had been drinking way too much firewater. Apparently you don’t need a brain on the reservation.

In looking back on this crappy event I originally thought of it as bad luck. Hell my car was trashed. But upon more reflection I’m thinking of it as extremely lucky. Had I not decided to relieve myself I likely would have been killed when Tonto crushed me between his 75 Maverick and my car.

So I look at this as one of those small decisions that greatly impacts your future, or the opportunity to have a future for that matter.

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