I’ve heard thousands of original lyrics from musicians you’ve never heard of and never will. There are tons of terrible lyric writers out there let me tell you. But sometimes the material some clients create is absolute magic.
Here’s the chorus from song one of my genius client’s album:
“People suck
They suck poo poo
People suck
They suck doggy doo doo”
Absolutely amazing.
Now here’s the chorus from song two of my genius client’s album:
“I wish I was dumb
I wish my brain was numb
Then I’d be happy
Then I’d be havin’ fun”
I’m in complete awe of the incredible literary and lyrical genius I’ve witnessed.
How about this stellar verse from a group of Italian rappers. Yes, Italian rappers.
“Oh mamma mia
My mouth’s got diarrhea
Gonna burn baby burn
Like a dick with gonorrea”
Wow. Amazing.
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians
You know those local entertainment newspapers where each year they have a vote for the best local band, best female singer, best drummer etc? One year there was this shitty local band called Stone Pony (dumb name too). They stuffed the ballot box and had all their friends vote. So the awards ceremony went something like this:
“And the award for best band is…..Stone Pony”
“The award for best new band of the year is….Stone Pony”
“The award for best male vocalist is…..John from Stone Pony”
“The award for best bass player is…. Fred from Stone Pony”
“The award for best drummer is….Mike from Stone Pony”
“The best guitar player of the year is….Frank from Stone Pony”
“The best keyboard player of the year is…Chris from Stone Pony”
“The year’s best sound man is….Jason, the sound man for Stone Pony”
“The album of the year is…..Stone Pony”
“Best band to see live this year…Stone Pony”
“Best female vocalist of the year is….Sheila (girlfriend of someone in Stone Pony)”
“Best graphic design on an album cover is….Stone Pony”
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians
A client brought in some old reels from the 50′s or 60′s. These are cherished recordings of his now deceased mother performing plays back in her college days. These tapes show some new ways of storing irreplaceable analog recordings.
The two newest and best ways of storing analog reels are:
- Partially wrap the reel in aluminum foil. Be sure NOT to completely wrap the reel as the desired “effect” will not be achieved. It is also best to use foil that was previously used to wrap your last remaining piece of pizza when you went out to dinner the week before. The grease from the pizza serves to coat the tape with a lubricant which ensures smooth running operation of your old Teac 4300 reel machine.
- Stuff toilet paper into 2/3 of the reel. It is crucial NOT to stuff the toilet paper completely around the entire reel, or the desired “effect” will once again not be achieved.
mediaguru Boneheads, Random, Recording
Remember this post I made giving you 4 reasons to stay out of the recording business? I have another reason.
I just did a gig for the Marshales Assembly of God Church here in town. They were desperate to get a bunch of discs done before their choir went “on tour.” I really helped these guys turn a terrible recording and graphics nightmare into a marketable product they could sell at their gigs. I put in a ton of extra time at no charge (God, do I get credit for that later?).
So I’m checking out my business account online to see if I have any dough and guess what? Their freaking check bounced. Just great. How tough are times when even God bounces a check on you?
That isn’t the end of the story either. I called “Pastor Raymond” about the check and he told me I could run it through again because the money is there. OK great. One problem: my bank (Wells Fargo) has lost the check.
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians
Are you an American Idol fan? I’m not. Watching that show brings back nightmares of late night sessions with terrible singers…
But if you ARE an American Idol fan and want to get together for discussions and chat with other AI fans, go here: Idol Me.
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians
Pretty amazing MJ got off. (Pun intended). So he was found not guilty, amazing.
I pose the question: Would trust him with YOUR kids?
mediaguru Boneheads
I’m gearing up for my 2nd Otep review but it is too late tonight to start it. If I start it now, I’ll be up til 2am and I have a tee time tomorrow…
One nugget from the last Otep show. There were 4 bands. Between a couple of the bands I talked with the guy selling cokes at the “bar.” This was an all ages show, so no beer or booze.
They had the cokes in a fridge. Inside the fridge they had condiments like mayo, mustard etc. I told the freaky bartender dude I wanted the ketchup. He grabbed it and was going to start figuring out what to charge me until I told him I was kidding.
I realized at that point I recognized him from somewhere. You tend to remember freak dudes who have holes in their ear lobes the size of golf balls. I asked him where I knew him from. He told me his band recorded in my studio a few years earlier. I asked him what the name of his band was. He gazed at me in a bewildered state and then replied “I don’t remember.” This dude recognized me from a 1 night recording project 8 years earlier and he couldn’t even remember the name of his own band. And they say drugs don’t cause memory loss…
mediaguru Boneheads, Gigs, Musicians
I got this email from a client:
I need a website. a real good one. please give me a price range for a project of this kind. Thanks
mediaguru Boneheads
I’ve had this one client for years. He is very cool. He wants SO bad to be a rock star. He hires great musicians for his albums and the tunes are pretty good. There’s only one problem. He has no ear for pitch and he can’t sing.
It is a nightmare trying to get a take out of this guy. For years it has been like throwing darts in the dark and hoping you hit something. We’d try lines over and over again, hundreds of times until we found ONE good one to keep. Then move on to the next line.
Thanks to today’s technology we have a new way for this guy to write and perform his vocal tracks in the studio. Most everyone knows about “Auto-Tune” hardware/software. I prefer to call them pitch correctors. You basically punch in the key of the song and it automatically makes every note the person sings fit a note in the key, even if they are way off. The most famous misuse of this is in Cher’s “Do You Believe In Love” where her voice starts to sound like a robot. That is what the pitch corrector sounds like when it is set too high.
Anyway, enough background. So the new way we have to get vocal parts written and recorded for this guy is just plain sick (in a good and bad way). I’ll basically run the track and he’ll just sing the words as best he can (which isn’t very good). He’ll just freaking butcher the vocal parts but he’ll get through the tune. Then we’ll put the auto-tuner on his voice and set it to the “Cher setting.” That thing takes all of his bad notes and puts them in tune.
Then he goes through over and over again, singing to his new found notes and melody. Then he lays down the track, as close to the pitch corrected version as he can. After that track is down, we take out the old one, and auto-tune the new one. Voila! New vocal part!
To me pitch correctors should be used only sparingly, to tweak great vocal parts that just need a little help. But in this case, the auto-tuner just plain helps me get the job done.
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians, Recording
I just answered the phone 5 minutes ago:
Caller: “Yeah is this the video production company?”
Me: “Uh no I do audio recording”
Caller: “I’ve got this rap show this weekend and I need a camera crew”
Me: “Well I don’t do video. Can I give you the number of a place that does?”
Caller: “So you don’t do video?”
Me: “No. Can I give you the number of a company that does do video”
Caller: “Can you have them call me?”
Me: “Well sir, I’d rather give you their number and have you call them at your convenience”
Caller: “I don’t wanna do this call around shit. Besides I don’t have a pencil”
Caller hangs up.
mediaguru Boneheads
