Boneheads Gigs Rants

Stolen SUB

Here’s a little salute to the asshole who broke into my bass player’s suv:

After a gig we hauled our gear into our respective vehicles and the bass player had the PA system in his suv. He had a bunch of stuff in his garage so he had to park outside overnight. When he went out to his truck in the morning he found a broken rear window and one of our JBL 18″ subs was missing. That part sucks.

Now for the “justice” part of the story:

At this particular gig we had some kind of problem with the PA. There was a bad cable or something which caused us to blow one of our 18″ JBL subs.

So the asshole crook has a 50/50 chance of getting a good 18″ sub for the pawn shop so he can go buy some crack. Well buddy, no crack for you. You stole the blown one you loser…



Ordered 1200 Ritek CD-Rs from these guys. The order was placed on the 7th. I just got the discs today, 13 days later. Ok, that’s bad but that isn’t why I’m posting this.

Just look at these pictures:

Look at the dirt, dust & scratches on the discs above.

The obove disc has a freaking TIRE TRACK on it.

Scratches, pieces of plastic stuck to the discs above, and even chunks out of the plastic.

This disc above is great, isn’t it? I’m sure a client will be happy when I burn his project on this eh?


Boneheads Gigs Musicians Rants


I’m on the “stories of bands I’ve done shows with” flow right now. So today’s victim is the Smithereens.

First off I must say I like the Smithereens music. It is just plain good rock and roll. I don’t want to ruin their secret, but you know all those Marshall guitar amps you see on the stage? They’re all empty. If you know anything about Marshalls you know they are loud as hell. One Marshall can cover a large stage/venue. The Smithereens have tons of Marshalls on the stage and the audience goes “wow look at all those marshalls.” But the cabinets are hollow with no speakers in them. It is all for show those damn cheaters. They are not the only ones that do this either…

My band has done several shows with the Smithereens. I’m guessing about 5. One time we did a show with them in Park City. Apparently the venue didn’t provide them with an “ample” PA system. While I was listening to their show I noticed a terrible distortion and crackling out of the mains. I went up to the soundman and asked him if he could hear the distortion. He said sure and explained that since the PA wasn’t as big as they wanted it, he was going to simply push it way beyond the limits and “blow the fucker.” Well ok then.

The next time we played with them was at a convention hall in Salt Lake. The shows went well. My band had to book out of the gig because we were playing another show at a club about 1 block away. When the Smithereens finished their gig they came over to our gig and the rest of the night was a fun jam fest.

After the gig at the club we all went to my bass player’s house to continue the party. We were all having a good time but the Smithereen dudes needed to have even more of a good time. They started asking everyone there if they had any “blow.” Apparently someone there actually did. (After all, all musicians are on drugs). The party continues until the Smithee’s ran out of their blow. Then they start asking everyone there to call their friends or drug dealers to get them more blow. This happened SEVERAL times.

After doing that much blow, our Smithereen buddies started to get obnoxious. They were starting to really bug the hell out of everyone there and scared most the people away (including me). My bass player told me that the Smithee’s were the last ones to leave, when he “kicked their miserable asses out of his house” at 5:30am.

Boneheads Musicians Random Rants Recording

People say the dumbest things…

Here are just a FEW of my 20+ years owning and running a studio.

Potential client on phone:
“How much is it to record my band?”
Me: Well, it depends on the size of your project, how complex your parts are, how many players and overdubs, how well prepared you are…What is your budget?
Potential client on phone: “Fifteen”
Me: Fifteen hundred? Well we can get some decent work done for that.
Potential client on phone:
“No fifteen dollars.”

Band’s own “producer” shows up. He says “That last mix you did was ok, but we need more cross imagery on the guitars.”
I ask “what magazine did you read that from? Circus?”
I then tweak some auxes on the console that are inactive. He says “better, give me more….no too far…there just right”
Me: Tell me about your credentials. How did you get to be a record producer?”
Producer: “mumble mumble”
Me: What?
Producer: I work at blockbuster music
Me: What do you do for blockbuster music?
Producer: Cashier

Lady on phone: “How much will you charge me to fix my vcr?”
Me: We don’t fix VCR’s, this is a recording studio. Where did you get our phone number?
Lady on phone: “In the phone book under recording studios.”
Me: So why would you call a recording studio to fix your VCR?
Lady on phone: “You RECORD with your VCR don’t you?”

#4 Classic one here:
Me: What sound are you looking for on this part?
Musician: I’m looking for that “Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it sound”
Me: (After adjusting the Robot who has suddenly gained conciousness and is only now realizing it knob) “How’s that?”

#5 (Rap client)
After mixing his tune for two hours:
Rapper: It’s not clear enough
Me: I boost the treble and ask how is that?
Rapper: That sounds worse
Me: I cut the treble
Rapper: That sounds worse
Rapper: make it sound more phat
Me: I boost the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse
Me: I cut the bass
Rapper: that sounds worse (then he goes to the bathroom)
My assistant: Hey why don’t you just crank it up real loud?
Me: You are fucking brilliant!
Rapper: So wasup?
Me: “I made some major adjustments while you were in the bathroom, check it out.” I crank the fuck out of the original mix from two hours before…
Rapper: That’s perfect! Print it!

So called producer (who actually is a radio DJ): “Turn the snare down, it’s too hot for the mix”
Me: “Uh, were not mixing were doing guitar solos and the guitar player likes the snare”
5 minutes later
So called producer: “Look man the snare is too loud”
Me: We’ll tweak that in the mix.
So called producer: “I’ve been in this business for 25 years. That snare is too loud”
Me: You know, the mix is the point where we’ll adjust all the levels. That’s where we’ll adjust the levels…”
So called producer: “That snare is too loud”
Me: Get the fuck out of here.

#7 Band on a budget
Drummer keeps fucking up. Band gets pissed. Tells the drummer to get it right this time or he’s out of the band. The drummer under this kind of pressure of course fucks up. Band fires him. Bye bye.

Client: “That must be 360 degrees out of phase.”

Client: “Can you put some distain on that?”

Client: “Do you have a contortion pedal?”

#11 Guy brings in his home studio trax for me to mix…
Client: Why don’t my vocals sound any good?
Me: Sounds like you’re using a 58 on them!
Client: What’s wrong with that?