Pro Sound Blog

On the top news stories at CNN today can be found “See the Virgin Mary in a pizza pan.” Yeah, that’s news alright.

mediaguru Rants

I hauled my gear out of the metal band’s practice space tonight. All the tracking is done. Now it’s up to me to mix and do some “production” with the singer. I’m getting the hang of cubase sx a little better but it’s still very clunky and not as intuitive as I’d like. But when you have THAT many features in a product it’s hard to not complicate the operation of it…

mediaguru Recording

Thanks to my pal Matt for this gem:

The concert flyer should read something like this:

THE POLICE
Present:

The “No Millionaire Left Behind” Tour!

If you’re rich and have a penchant for conspicuous consumption, look no further! The Police have a concert for you.

Imagine being able to hang out with all of your old high school buddies (well, at least the ones who read Forbes and write op-eds for the Wall Street Journal) watching a concert you could all care less about. Why? Because the guilty pleasure of being able to spend $460 to $7,650 to ignore The Police play “Every Breath You Take” is worth it.

You’ll be able to tell your higher-middle-class friends that you were there. That’s worth it, isn’t it? (Be careful whom you tell. They might ask what songs were played at the concert. But since you were too busy trying to be more impressive than your other bourgeoisie friends, you may want to look up the set list on the Internet first.)

Imagine being able to put your middle-aged butt around that Harley Davidson you have no business owning and meeting up with your friends at the venue.

Or better yet, hop in your Porsche Boxter, put the top down, hire a high-priced hooker to pretend to be your girlfriend and drive around the venue for an hour cranking Outlandos d’Amour on your Blaupunkt to convince other concert-goers (and yourself) that you’re a true Police fan.

Or if you’re such a complete idiot that even the hooker doesn’t want to be with you, you can climb in your Hummer, fill the 32 gallon fuel tank for a measly $82.00 (what a bargain) and pick up your friends for the concert. (Don’t forget to fill it again after the concert because the tank will be bone dry from the 10 mile drive down. You wouldn’t want to be seen being pushed to the gas station.)

You’ve been looking for a way to spend some of that squandered Iraq rebuilding money. The Police want you to know that you’re welcome at their show. How nice of them to deny the middle and low-income genuine Police fans entry into the venue. The Police know that real fans cheer too loudly for your friends to hear your money-means-everything diatribe you’ll recite throughout the show. (Fans also make the concert harder to enjoy because they would outnumber you and would actually enjoy the concert for the music, not just the event. They might also gang up on you and kick your aristocratic ass.)

Deny yourself no indulgence. Buy a concert T-shirt for $150. On second thought, buy 2. You’ll need an extra one to wipe up after the hooker pukes in your car and ditches you when you’re waiting for her outside the gas station restroom. (Take the convertible. It will air out faster.) You won’t get laid, but you won’t even care. The afterglow of being at the Police concert, along with a lifetime of parading the honor in front of everyone you meet will outweigh any further pleasure you could receive from that night. The Police know that.

Sting even knows he needn’t hit the high notes because you won’t be listening anyway. And even if you were listening, you couldn’t tell the difference. They didn’t teach music appreciation in your Pillaging Society 8763 class. Aren’t you glad you don’t give a damn about music? It makes The Police: No Millionaire Left Behind Tour so much easier to enjoy.

{I’ll bet Sting will make millions from this tour while Andy and Stewart make a pittance. So a special shout out to Sting: You haven’t had a good record since the end of the cold war. How does it feel to be “the rich man’s Phil Collins?”}

So what are you waiting for? Pick up that phone, order some blow from your dealer, then order your tickets for the Police concert. (You’ll need the blow to really feel like you’re reliving the 80’s. Strangely, the cocaine will be the cheapest thing you’ll spend money on that night.)

For the rest of us, we’re going to order the hooker. We have no illusions. We know we’re paying to get screwed.

Matt

mediaguru Rants

Cheapest seat at the Vegas show for the Police is $458. Good seats are $1223.

Cheapest seat in Phoenix is $305 and the most expensive is $1529.

2nd row seats at Madison Square Garden are $7650.

Damn can you imagine how much a crappy concert T-Shirt is? Maybe like $742 for short sleeves and $883 for long sleeves? If that’s too much I bet you could get a Police sticker for $195.00.

Damn, to think I saw Pink Floyd from row 4 and the ticket was $35. Where have those days gone?

Stewart Copeland is a bad ass mo-fo on the drums, yes… but I think I’ll just go down to the used CD store and buy some music instead…

mediaguru Rants

The gig a couple of nights ago in this new club was a bust. The club itself was decent. There was a decent PA, the bartender/manager was an old pal. But being a last minute gig, nobody knew we were there. Looks like the band may get to open for English Beat later this month which would be cool.

Bad stats:

1. There were more people in the green room than in the audience.
2. There were more mics on my drum kit than people in the audience.
3. I think the club actually lost money on liquor, since there was more free beer consumed in the green room than the club sold.
4. “Zero” is the number of gigs the soundman had done before this one.
5. “45″ is the number of minutes it took said soundman to get the PA working for a 3 piece band (followed by our singer’s comment: “can we start playing this week sometime?”

I won’t mind playing there again, provided there’s a crowd.

mediaguru Gigs

Got a fairly last minute booking in a new club tonight. This club is managed by the former manager of a former club that was once the best music venue in town. A report will follow…

Also, have the metal guitar session tomorrow. Hope the guy’s marshall doesn’t fry again.

mediaguru Gigs

Sometimes the gigs suck. Last night didn’t. Good crowd and lots of good looking women When there are lots of good looking women, there are lots of men and the band makes bucks and has fun.

Cute blonde holding my stick

There were a lot of cute chicks with tight bodies kissing each other last night. We do get a lesbian crowd but most of them are fat. These chicks turned out to be what I heard called “lipstick lesbians.” Lipstick lesbians are hetero chicks who act like lesbos in public to get attention.

mediaguru Gigs

Working with a completely new system, in a foreign place which isn’t set up for “studio” recording is a pain. I fought and fought with some new gear trying to get the monitoring working properly for the metal band to do some guitar tracks.

Just when I thought I had it, the guitar player’s Marshall fried. What little mojo we had was lost and we didn’t end up getting one measly track done in four hours. So naturally the guys in the band broke out the bong. Yep, all musicians are on drugs.

mediaguru Musicians, Recording

These are the things that only drummers can get a laugh out of I suppose. I broke a stick last night and the broken end flew straight into the monitor grill.

mediaguru Gigs

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