- Memo to women: Do NOT wear tight belly shirts if you have a beer belly and love handles (see picture). Do not wear men’s Levis which are about 8 inches too small to fit around your fat waist so you have to wear them as low riders. This look is not attractive and us men are repulsed by it. Please, if you are a woman and you want to wear a belly shirt ask yourself one question: “Do I have 6 pack abs?”
- Memo to my band leader: 3 tunes into the show, do not call a surf medley with an extended drum solo when I haven’t played a gig for 6 weeks.
- Memo to the two women who flashed their breasts at me during the last gig: Thank you.
- Memo to the drunk idiot standing in front of stage left: Stop looking at me and doing that Hawaii hang loose thing with your hand. I’m not gay, stop looking at me like that.
- Memo to Allie (my fantasy mistress and professional boxer): Congratulations on knocking out your opponent in the 4th round last week.
- Memo to drunk assholes in bars: Thanks for the compliments but please get out of my face. Stop spilling your pisswater beer in my shoe. Stop burning me with your stinky cigarette. Stop slobbering on me. Stop saying “you guys rock.”
- Memo to Andrew: You kick ass. You know why.
- Memo to that chick in front of the stage who puts her fingers on the sides of her mouth and pushes her lips into a smiling position to signal me to “smile”. (seems like there’s one at every gig): I can’t bash the hell out of the drums and have a shit eating grin on my face at the same time. Sorry.
- Memo to the band leader #2: Give me more than 2 hours notice that we have a gig.
- Memo to anyone: Don’t invite me to your wedding. I hate weddings.
- Memo to anyone who wants to hire my band for your wedding: We play rock & roll. We don’t do Kenny G. or dinner music. If you wanted that shit why did you hire an obnoxious rock & roll band?
- Memo to whoever stole my 1962 brass Ludwig snare: You’d better hope I never find you.
- Memo to pussy audience members: If it is too loud don’t come up and whine about it. Just leave.
- Memo to dudes with barbed wire tattoos around their biceps: Do you think this makes you cool or tough? If you were real macho, you’d use real barbed wire (thanks George).
- Memo to David Gilmour and Roger Waters: Can’t we all just get along?
- Memo to Phil Collins: Stop. Please stop. Please stop now. I’m begging you…stop.
- Memo the guy who always requests Free Bird (there’s one at every gig): I’d rather lose a limb than play that shitty song.
- Memo to the band leader #3: Why do you do encores when there are 3 drunk assholes left in the audience yelling “encore, encore.” But when we have a huge crowd, we don’t do one?
- Memo to the band I’m recording who asks “So what do you think of our band?”: Which answer do you want? The truth, or the one you want to hear?
- Memo to clients who bounce checks on me: Karma baby. Karma.
- Memo to whoever dropped a rock in my windshield while I was driving down the freeway at midnight: Karma baby. Karma.
I feel a little better now.
mediaguru Gigs, Rants
A client brought in some old reels from the 50′s or 60′s. These are cherished recordings of his now deceased mother performing plays back in her college days. These tapes show some new ways of storing irreplaceable analog recordings.
The two newest and best ways of storing analog reels are:
- Partially wrap the reel in aluminum foil. Be sure NOT to completely wrap the reel as the desired “effect” will not be achieved. It is also best to use foil that was previously used to wrap your last remaining piece of pizza when you went out to dinner the week before. The grease from the pizza serves to coat the tape with a lubricant which ensures smooth running operation of your old Teac 4300 reel machine.
- Stuff toilet paper into 2/3 of the reel. It is crucial NOT to stuff the toilet paper completely around the entire reel, or the desired “effect” will once again not be achieved.
mediaguru Boneheads, Random, Recording
A day in the life of a golf addict and rock & roll drummer (today):
7:30am: alarm goes off, hit snooze button a few times
8:00am: fix some home brewed Starbucks coffee
8:20am: drop by golf course 1 to pick up new driver, paid for with tourney winnings
8:39am: somehow accidentally drop golf socks in coffee
8:40am: hanging golf socks over AC vent in car to dry out while driving to course 2
8:42am: after some pondering, I drink the coffee
9:05am: arrive at golf course 2
9:12am: buy new socks
9:16am: tee off
9:25am: birdie first hole
1:55pm: finish round with a 72 (even par)
2:15pm: collect winnings from opponents
3:04pm: meet client 1 downtown
4:17pm: meet client 2 downtown
5:02pm: arrive at storage unit to pick up drum kit for gig tonight
5:03pm: call in local radio station and win tickets to a golf event next week (Jack Nicklaus, Mike Weir, David Duval, Fuzzy, Johnny Miller, The Walrus, Dave Stockton, Gary McCord all will be there)
5:20pm: check mail at PO box
5:55pm: drop by radio station to pick up tickets to golf event
6:22pm: arrive at home, eat a snack
6:40pm: leave for new house
7:01pm: check out my new house under construction, inside doors are now installed!
8:45pm: back at home, cook a frozen pizza for dinner
9:16pm: leave for gig
9:46pm: arrive at gig, setup drum kit
10:13pm: commense drum bashing
12:08am: two chicks flash their boobs at me
1:15am: first encore
1:35am: pack drum kit and take off
1:50am: pick up 3 krispy kreme donuts on the way home
2:00am: arrive home
2:05am: eat donuts, write this dumb thing
2:10am: publish this dumb thing
2:15am: go to bed
Tomorrow, I do it all again. Fortunately I don’t tee of until 1:30pm.
mediaguru Gigs, Musicians, Random
Remember this post I made giving you 4 reasons to stay out of the recording business? I have another reason.
I just did a gig for the Marshales Assembly of God Church here in town. They were desperate to get a bunch of discs done before their choir went “on tour.” I really helped these guys turn a terrible recording and graphics nightmare into a marketable product they could sell at their gigs. I put in a ton of extra time at no charge (God, do I get credit for that later?).
So I’m checking out my business account online to see if I have any dough and guess what? Their freaking check bounced. Just great. How tough are times when even God bounces a check on you?
That isn’t the end of the story either. I called “Pastor Raymond” about the check and he told me I could run it through again because the money is there. OK great. One problem: my bank (Wells Fargo) has lost the check.
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians
CNN has a story about some new mac minis and other gear supposedly coming out next week.
Another interesting point of note was that Apple’s sales were at 3.5 Billion (with a “B”) last quarter, up 75%. 75 freaking percent. Apple is learning something with the ipod and mini macs. This is good.
mediaguru Gear
DID I EVER MENTION THAT I HATE DJ’S?
Mixing Console for iPod
The iDJ is a 2-channel mixer that enables mobile DJs and iPod enthusiasts to seamlessly integrate their portable music libraries with other music and sound reinforcement systems�transforming the iPod from a personal music player into a source playback device. With its compact form factor, comprehensive feature set, and a blue on white aesthetic appeal that blends perfectly with the iPod, the iDJ makes the music more accessible and the party better than ever.
mediaguru Gear
I guess it was just a matter of time.
link
mediaguru Gear
They’re getting smaller and smaller:
iPod Flea link
mediaguru Gear
I got a call from a desperate band manager yesterday. They were recording in another “new” studio in town. Great, another shitty studio to compete with…
They wanted to pull the project and finish it somewhere else because the band “didn’t like the engineer.” It’s hard to get a quality album or recording done when there is tension between the engineer and the musicians.
I inquired about what the status of their recording was and what format it was recorded in. He couldn’t tell me what format so I couldn’t be sure if I could help them. Then he said something that shocked me: “All we have left to record is the drums.”
It was at this point that I realized their recording is probably bad. I informed him that typically the drums were the first thing to be recorded and you’re putting the cart in front of the horse. I pointed out that I had doubts about the studio and engineer they’re working with if the last thing they need to do is the drums.
He said “yeah, and he’s now saying the drum tracks are going to cost another $1200 than he originally quoted us.” These poor guys. They not only spend a bunch of dough for an obviously shitty studio and engineer, now they’re bait and switch victims that will have to fork out another $1200 to get their bad recording done…
Then again, it may be their fault for trying to save a buck by going to the “cheaper” studio to begin with…
mediaguru Musicians, Recording
Are you an American Idol fan? I’m not. Watching that show brings back nightmares of late night sessions with terrible singers…
But if you ARE an American Idol fan and want to get together for discussions and chat with other AI fans, go here: Idol Me.
mediaguru Boneheads, Musicians
